you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
