the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
