my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
