I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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