someone get that fucking seahorse.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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