dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
