I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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