Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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