doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
