peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
