I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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