Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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