dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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