What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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