I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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