My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
