If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
