So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
