I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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