Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Randomize
