She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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