I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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