I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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