the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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