Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
