3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
