Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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