Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
