Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
