Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
BRING THE BAGELS
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
