it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
