Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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