i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
