my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
