I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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