I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
