dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
