a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
