maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
