new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
