Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
