apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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