She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
