here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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