If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Randomize
