my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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