Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
