I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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