you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
