Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
